Heartbreak Beat

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

-Albert Camus

Sometimes anticipation of the unknown is scarier than living the reality once it arrives. When it finally happens, you have no other choice but to pull up your bootstraps and carry on. The safety net of the hospital was rolled up and stored away, now the live show was about to begin. With nervous hesitation I took that first uneasy step. Each step that followed brought me closer to success, all the while a great crowd supported and applauded my progress.  At twelve weeks post-op the lights have dimmed, the crowds have thinned, and it is time to pack up and move on.  For me the risk was worth the success, my heart is stronger, I am stronger and for that I am grateful.

A Road called Recovery:

This road seemed to stretch for miles. And miles. In the spirit of tradition I will start at it's beginning.

It was Thursday afternoon when Jason and I drove our rented car away from the hospital. I hadn't been outside for almost a week and it felt good to be out in the world again. I clung to my heart pillow as we drove the streets of Tucson filling prescriptions, getting dinner, and a few supplies. One more night here then we would fly home. Friday we awoke and checked out of the hotel. Our plane wasn't leaving until later that night so we had some time to kill. We drove up the canyon and caught a wonderful thunderstorm, had lunch at El Charro, walked slowly around the mall, and watched the Batman movie at the theatre in the mall. Finally we made it to the airport and survived the plane trip home.

Over the next few weeks I was richly blessed and terribly tormented simultaneously.
Here are a few examples:

• Family and friends brought in dinner for about three weeks. We all know I despise cooking, so it was like a double bonus! - blessing
• I had to rebuild my lung strength (who knew heart surgery would affect my breathing and lung capacity so much) by inhaling with this blue tubed device- torment
• My mom came out most days and cleaned my house, took me to lunch, and out for my daily walk- usually at Target - blessing
• Could only sleep elevated on my back which caused my buttocks to ache during the night and my upper back to ache in the morning. I am a devout side and stomach sleeper and I dreamt of the blessed day when I would once again be able to sleep comfortably. - torment
• I begged Jason everyday for a back massage and he obliged. - blessing
• I am a sneezer by birth. A simple change of rooms, going from inside to outside, or a smell can provoke me to sneeze. Normally it is refreshing to cleanse the sinuses, however when your chest has just been propped open like a set of double doors, then wired and glued shut, a simple sneeze can be devastating. Think of shrapnel exploding through the muscles and veins in your chest- brutal. People talk of tender mercies in their life and it may seem crazy but NOT sneezing was just that for me. In six weeks of  recovery I am amazed to say that I only excruciatingly sneezed about five times. Yes, there were moments when I had to lick the roof of my mouth to ward off a sneeze, but I usually won the battle. Even Jason noticed my lack of sneezing. -blessing
•  My chest bone was sawed apart then wired back together, however we all know that bones take time to heal. In the meantime I tried my best not to make any moves that would render my opposing rib cages uneven, because when I mistakenly did, I could feel the two sides shifting, grinding against each other. And you thought nails on a chalkboard was horrific- this sensation was maddening. Also a major reason why side sleeping was not an option! -torment
• Those first couple of weeks I couldn't lift my arms high enough, let alone have the strength to blow dry and straighten my hair. Mostly I didn't worry about it, but one day when I needed to be presentable Lauren dried and straightened my hair for me. -blessing
• When I read a book I like to get super comfy on the sofa, or lounge around and be cozy. The problem was that my  "comfortable" was sitting up straight in the chair. I couldn't even slack off and slouch because it didn't feel right- and of course I couldn't lean or anything because I had to keep my rib cages even.  I did end up reading a few books- I had a lot of time on my hands after all- I just didn't get to read them as comfortably as I would have liked. -torment
• My heart pillow. It comforted me while walking, coughing, and sleeping. It literally went with me everywhere for those first six weeks. It was like an American Express, "I didn't leave home without it."  I did not care who thought of it as embarrassing when we ventured into public, I needed it, therefore I brought it. Even at home it traveled room to room with me, it sat with me, and slept with me. I love that heart pillow. -blessing
•  Driving. Life can get pretty boring and frustrating when you are not allowed to drive. For six whole weeks my comings and goings were dependant upon others. Lucky for me I had a few temporary chauffeurs that helped to keep me from going stir crazy. -torment
• Painkillers. I had read prior to my surgery about people who had become addicted to painkillers after having open heart surgery. I am not a huge fan of taking pills and I did not want to end up like them. So after leaving the hospital I took "the good stuff" just at night and Ibuprofen and Tylenol during the day. After a week I decided I did not need the painkillers and just took the other two. By six weeks I was really only downing 1 or 2 Ibuprofen or Tylenol a day. Since then I don't take anything but the blood pressure pill that the Dr. wants me to take. -blessing
  
                  

At three weeks post-op we ventured out to see "Bye, Bye Birdie" at the CSN theatre. The play was pretty long and I was a bit uncomfortable after awhile, but it was good to get out and have somewhere to go. Lauren's friend Taylor joined us.....

Progress at 5 weeks. Feeling good, dying to drive again, still healing one day at a time....

At 12 weeks I am feeling almost normal again. I still have a smidge of achiness in my chest and I feel spent after a long day, but lightyears ahead of how I felt 12, 9, or even 6 weeks ago. 

Drumroll please..... 

I can even sleep on my side and stomach again!!!!

The journey has been long and it will never really be over, but the briars and thistles are behind me and the sun is shining in front of me.

I have a scar, it is part of me now. I know the gawkers out there are dying to see it.

Taking a picture of the entire scar is a bit awkward, but here it is. Not so bad, huh. The little scar below the chest scar is where the drainage tube was....

                                 

THE END!!